…Why not read this whilst smoking a cigar?

Boris

Whose was that shining head of gold?
Whose feet were those a-pedalling bold?
Of whom are ancient legends told?
Who puts to shame the knights of old?

Boris! A paragon of all manhood!
Boris! He symbolises all that’s good!

Boris Johnson rides abroad
Cycling for all causes good
So shining and so bright is he
He can be seen from Willoughby [Lincolnshire in-joke]
And on a clear day, strands of hair
Refract the light to Finisterre

Boris! He needs no pen, he needs no sword!
Boris! He needs no honour or award!

Boris, the modern miracle
When he is here, our cup is full
He is our strength, our might, our glory
Even if he is a Tory

Woop woop, I have comments! Yay! I shall take your comments into consideration, people, but bear with me about my comment boxes etc. There’s only so much a girl can do with MS Paint and a limited knowledge of CSS. I shall sort it out, really I shall. I shall take things into hand… I shall be firm and resolute… I shall… I shall… I shall share with you my poem about Gordy.

Gordon Brown
That poor old sad forgotten clown
The man whom god has cast aside
In favour of the man who lied

Gordon Brown
He is the man we all put down
Because we like to gawp and stare
At that moron Tony Blair

Gordon Brown
The drabbest man in London Town
His policies could be the best
But even then, he’d fail the test

Oh, Gordon Brown!
The man who always wears a frown
For even with the fastest spin
I’d bet cash he’d never win

…And I’m afraid I just have to add a post-script here: while I wrote that poem, I had a tune stuck in my head. I still can’t get it out. In an attempt to rid myself of this particular demon, I shall write it down here. © Bonnie Tyler and Minnie Electric, 2007

Gordon Brown (sung to the tune of Total Eclipse of the Heart)

Gordon Brown,
Every now and then I get a little bit lonely then I see your great mound
Gordon Brown,
Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of lettuce
Gordon Brown,
Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the beers have gone by
Gordon Brown,
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes

Gordon Brown big thighs,
Every now and then I fall apart
Gordon Brown red eyes,
Every now and then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than leather
And if you only hold me tight
We’ll be holding on forever
And we’ll only be eating at night
Cause we’ll never wear thongs together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don’t know what to do and I’m always in the dark
We’re living in a beer keg and feeding like sharks
I really need you tonight
Forever’s gonna start tonight
Forever’s gonna start tonight

Gordon Brown,
Every now and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of something mild
Gordon Brown,
Every now and then I get a little bit helpless and I’m lying like a Marsbar in your arms
Gordon Brown,
Every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I’ve got to get out a pie
Gordon Brown,
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes
Gordon Brown don’t cry,
Every now and then I smell a fart
Gordon Brown food dye,
Every now and then I fall apart

And I need donut tonight
And I need it more than ever
And if you only just take one bite
We’ll be holding on forever
And we’ll only be making it right
Cause we’ll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the (checkout) line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don’t know what to do and I’m always in the dark
We’re living in a deli and we’re going to Marks and Sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever’s gonna start tonight
Forever’s gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I’m only falling apart
There’s nothing I can do
A total attack of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my fridge
But now there’s only food in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total attack of the heart

Gordon Brown meat pies
Gordon Brown huge thighs
Gordon Brown,
Every now and then I know you’ll never be the PM you always wanted to be
Gordon Brown,
Every now then I know you’ll always be the only boy who wanted me covered in Spam
Gordon Brown,
Every now and then I know there’s no one in the universe as magical and ponderous as you
Gordon Brown,
Every now and then I know there’s nothing any better and there’s nothing that I just wouldn’t do
Gordon Brown don’t lie,
Every now and then I fall apart
Gordon Brown, I sigh

Go here. Just go here.

Fox News’ latest scoop

Fox News are absolute f*cking b*stards. America is… just… I’m so damn ANGRY right now

-=edit=-

Um… not quite sure how this works yet… but… funny things on this story here.

I’ve made Buddhist friends recently. I’ve been finding what they have to say really interesting.

I think the difference for me between Buddhism and many other religions (which makes me respect it that much more) is that it’s often more of a philosophy – so you have to think about it before you can believe it. It encourages individual thought as opposed to that good old herd mentality we all know and dread.

What I dislike about religion in general is the complete ignorance of it all, the pretentious, self-righteous and completely unswerving devotion to things you know nothing about. Upholding a book that you’ve never completely read, and saying it stands for all of your being, when it includes misogynist, racist and generally bigoted commands. And I’m not just talking about the bible, I mean all of them. They all have bits that people choose to conveniently ignore, in favour of the bits that look pretty and lovely. Religion is essentially dirty – tainted, like everything human, by the most unpure and generally unsavoury aspects of human nature.

And, worse than that, we’re indoctrinated into this God Club soon after childbirth, when we have no choice – no knowledge of the outer world, nothing to say about any of it. Children are then told what are effectively nonsensical fairytales about non-existant entities and big fingers pointing down from the clouds and beautiful lands of milk and honey. Larkin’s right: They fuck you up, you Mum and Dad – they may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had, and add some extra, just for you.

If you want to try and do something against this abbhorence, sign our Jamie’s petition (Dawkins has signed it, even) here:

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/freethinking/

And, I’d like to add that Jamie’s started something really amazing there. It’s getting quite huge. Go Jamie.
However, the pessimist in me knows that it’s never going to end. Religious fervour is actually a malfunction of the brain (or, at least, the closest scientists will publicly admit to is that it’s down to the abnormal behaviour of a few mis-placed neurons) and, coming from a person who actually has a proper-good malfuction of the same part of the noggin that produces religious visions, I think these people (all million billion of them) are quite frankly wobbly in the head. Yes, like me – except they have such a subtle complaint that it doesn’t present itself in full-blown attacks, it just lurks there in the background.

It’s a human need, a deep requirement, say the psychologists. It’s a bloody malfunction, says I. A genetic abnormality. An in-built equivalent to falling out of the pram whilst young. In some cases, it’s just brainwashing – social conditioning, or a desire to run with the crowd, make friends, that sort of thing. However, the fervent ones – I suspect they’re just mentally unsound. And what scientist’s going to admit they can prove that?

This season it’s cool to wear leggings,
Especially with a long top
For playsuits, the girls are all begging
And scouring the floor of Top Shop;

They’re telling us all to get thinner - 
Anorexia is the new black -
We’re all eating iPods for dinner,
And bulimically throwing them back.

But, in fashion, opinion is central;
Intellect creams off the best,
And one figure has risen above them all
As one it is cool to detest: Yes!

Everyone’s hating Jade Goody!
She’s the girl we adore to abhore.
She’s even uncooler than hoodies,
And stands shoulder to shoulder with war.

We’ve all fallen in hate with Jade Goody.
It’s a huge diplomatic affair -
Brown’s thinking does he or don’t he
And everyone’s looking to Blair

The whole world is turning round Goody
As a source of potential unrest.
Get out your mops, it looks bloody:
In fact, a celeb-heavy gore-fest

Politicians are weighing up Goody
While Endemol’s found a fat hen -
No-one quite lays gold eggs like Jade Goody
She’s Channel Four’s major god-send

So keep being racist, Jade Goody!
Keep your brain firmly turned off!
Keep turning the waters all muddy,
And keep the new fashion aloft!

While this season, it’s cool to wear leggings
(But not without that long top)
Let’s all hope Jade gets a good egging:
And reality TV, the chop.

Why Teasmade, you ask?  And, what’s more, why Teasmade Revenge? 

You are sitting there, in your jammies (or perhaps in your dinner jacket – for here at TR we cater towards all tastes) and you’re wondering why.  What have I done to incur the wrath of a rather retro liquid alarm clock, you wonder.

Good question.  Perhaps in time the answer shall be given to you.

And yes, that is how you spell Teasmade.  Look it up.