So. It appears that Paris Hilton has found God. Presumably she cleared out her wardrobe or something. Either way, Christianity has certainly undergone a drastic modernisation.

Therefore, to celebrate this new collaboration (much in line with other recent alliances) Teasmade Revenge brings you the Paris Hilton ‘Made In Heaven’ Collection®, incorporating a few key pieces that are bound to have the fashionistas queueing round the block.

The beard
So in right now. Paris’ take lends a new flair to this classic and essential item, taking it to truly biblical proportions. Watch out for matching His and Hers D&G (David And Goliath) Mega-Beards©.

Flipflops
The humble flipflop gets a makeover this summer. The Jesus-endorsed sandal to end all sandals, this footwear can do anything.*

The hand-woven desert robe
Comes in three colours: Flood Blue, Pestilence Khaki and Crucifix Red. A must-have for all those hip summer parties, this cute sack-like and fashionably shapeless robe will make sure your fiancé doesn’t know you’re knocked up ’til halfway to Israel. Hey, he can’t blame you – God did it!

Tiara of thorns
Complete with matching bracelets and hairclips, this naughty and Nicea item will have you crying holy tears of joy. Just right for your birthday party, you’ll want to resurrect this time and time again. This is truly the crowning glory of the collection.

*Please note that this item is water-resistant and not water-proof. Paris Hilton Made In Heaven and The Almighty Kingdom Of God©® apologise for previous claims to the contrary.

Yes, that’s what it is. Atrocious even.

I was reading a London newspaper yesterday evening when I came across an article about that poor little girl who’s gone missing overseas. I quote:

Six theories that detectives are following to solve mystery

Paedophile gang
Officers fear she may have been snatched by an organised gang who had the resources to watch the apartment for a number of days. They would also have arranged transport and possibly a house where they could hold her.

Jealous mother
A grieving mother, possibly mentally ill, could easily have blended in and taken the girl when she knew her parents were not there. But the only e-fit is of a male, so many discount this theory.

Childless couple
[x] may have been kidnapped to order for a couple hoping to pass [her] off as their own. They will almost certainly change her appearance, but [x]’s distinctive right eye, where her pupil runs into her iris, will make this more difficult.

…and so on and so forth. Personally, I can’t see how this can help – but I do think it’s interesting how they’ve written the article. I mean, have they really covered all the gruesome and upsetting possibilities? With this in mind, Teasmade Revenge and friends consider more (equally tasteful and necessary) possibilities.

Bird of prey
A passing bird of prey could have pecked her eyes out, blinding her and making her lose her way. Birds of prey often swoop from the sky to consume small animals such as mice and shrews.

Evil clown
A seemingly harmless circus clown may well have lured [x] in with his amusing gypsy ways, then forced her to join the circus under the stage name ‘Issy The Amazing Floating Otter’. Clowns have been known to frequent the area in the summer season, and once someone spotted an otter.

Darth Sidious
This legendary Star Wars character could have turned [x] to the dark side of the force, entreating her to turn her back on (and even attempt to destroy) her friends and family. However, [x] is strong with the force, so this line may be dropped.

Tom Cruise
This legendary Risky Business actor could have turned [x] to Scientology, entreating her to turn her back on (and even attempt to convert) her friends and family. However, it’s rarely endorsed, so this line may be dropped.

Pork pies
It is rumoured that detectives have found traces of pork pie close by to where the girl was taken. It is possible that she felt the lure of the pork pies and went out for a bite to eat, whereupon she choked to death on the crumbs and was eaten by hedgehogs.

Car crash
She may have been taken from the hotel out a back door by the son of a large grocery store, and driven in a Mercedes down a tunnel. Mindless bottom-feeding paparazzi could have caused the car to crash, horribly maiming and killing those inside, and beginning decades of conspiracy theories.

Dictator
The crazed dictator of a small African country could easily have kidnapped [x] for political ends. He would have employed ninjas to steal her, and will probably take a gritty video of her chained to a radiator and begging the British government to pay the ransom fee. However, this is unlikely, since radiators aren’t used in the hot African climate.

And finally:

Newspapers
It is more than likely that dozens of newspapers will feed off this story for weeks, increasing the worry and grief felt by the little girl’s parents. They may try to cash in on the loss of others, which will sell lots of papers and advertising and do nothing to bring said toddler back. People will pretend to care, but forget all about it the moment the next minor scandal hits the papers: at which point all support and aid will be withdrawn.

Ha. Like that would ever happen.

So am I. So when I found this video, I could not have been more pleased:

Yes, my darlings, it has finally happened. Teasmade Revenge is finally so incredibly, mind-bogglingly popular that it has received its first bit of spam, hot off the press. Or straight off the grill. Whatever.

Anyway, in tribute to BrittneySexx and his gang of HottTeans, I have traveled into, through and indeed round icy tundras, frozen wastegrounds, arctic valleys and… um… yes, I went deep into Brixton to attend the post-Annual General Meeting cigar-smoking gathering of the High Commission of Internet Spammers, London Division. Please note that this story is not imaginary, but real.

——————–

Jeremy Brittney-Sexx leaned back in the club’s worn but highly comfortable leather armchair and gazed into the fire. Sucking on a cigar and with a glass of rather fine brandy in one hand, he reflected on the events of the evening with grim satisfaction. Yes, the figures said it all; business was booming. There was no suggestion at all that it might not last – gullibility, the soundest of all investments, was never in short supply.

Brittney-Sexx turned in his chair, as he heard HottTeans approaching. A lot to learn, HottTeans, but a good lad nonetheless. He heard a second chair being drawn up to the fire, and sighed with the worldweariness of one of the internet’s first dashing Spamsters.

“Well, HottTeans?”
HottTeans shifted uncomfortably in his seat, and adjusted his cravat.
“I was wondering, Mr. Brittney-Sexx, if I could have a word. Me and some of the other new recruits – you know, Cialis and Bigtodger – well, we couldn’t really follow the whole thread of…”
Brittney-Sexx interrupted. “Don’t know what’s what, eh, boy?”
“Um, no, Sir, nor quite. For a start, wouldn’t we convince more people to send us money if we ran a spell-check over our emails first?”
Brittney-Sexx snorted with laughter. “Diplomats’ widows can’t spell, m’boy! Everyone knows that. They’re in distress. That’s why they want you want you to take a cut of the cash. Everyone knows the accepted way is to make the punters blind and greedy, let them think they’ve taken advantage of a poor little old lady, then make off with their credit card details. It’s always worked that way.”
“But, well, Sir, isn’t it a bit dishonest?”

Brittney-Sexx’s eyes rolled back in his head. “Dear boy, we’re doing society a favour. You can’t just have morons like that running around with lots of money, can you? Messes with the Economy. They start buying fishknives and four-wheel-drives and calling their children Simonilla and Iodine and things. They might as well just be forceably required to give to African charities. Vis a vis you and me. Was that it?”

HottTeans shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “Not entirely, Sir. I wanted to ask about Phishing.”
Brittney-Sexx nodded. He’d expected this. “Go on.”
“Well, Sir, it just seems a bit silly. We spend all that time setting up fake websites, only to get the name of the bank wrong, or send out emails that just get hit by the spam filters.”
“Ah, but look at the figures, HottTeans. Worth every one of those thirty-seven minutes.”
“I suppose so, Sir.”
“Anyway, HottTeans, you can’t have been paying attention. We’ve been approached by a big corporation. A real bank, wanting to turn tail and do the dirty on their customers!”
“Oh yes?”
“Yes indeed. All we need to do is send this Mr. Ombologonasi of Nigeria £2,019, and the full wealth of Barrcleys TSB plc is ours!”
“Are you sure he spelt the name quite right, Sir?”
“Of course not, everyone knows investment bankers can’t spell.”

…so I made a picture in order that I might remember that dream for ever.