Even though the stars are blind…
…Karma isn’t, Paris Hilton. Fate has dealt you a decidedly favourable hand up until now. And now she’s coming to get you, Paris Hilton, and drag you screaming into the abyss.
Well, the Century Regional Detention Centre in Lynwood, California, anyway. In “a special unit for celebrities, public officials, police officers and other high-profile inmates”. Don’t worry, she can expect a very good lifestyle there: here’s a picture of an average meal, taken from their very informative website:
Anyway, there have been various amusing things posted about Paris in the last few days; this YouTube video is far and away the best:
Good, isn’t it? No, scratch that, fantastic. Although, if you’re one of the lucky people to have seen Sarah Silverman’s most excellent crack at Paris at the MTV awards (the last chance Hilton had for any intimate human contact before her strip search – hopefully by a burly lesbian matron called Hilda) then you’ll know that this whole fiasco is quite possibly the most delightful thing to happen to the world since we found out Ashton Kutcher had webbed feet. You can tell how pleased I am by how many links there are in here. It’s awesome.
Of course, the question everybody’s asking is: what medical condition on earth would prevent Hilton from being detained? (Of course, it might be this, but who knows? Hehehe) Well, we here at TR love lists, so I decided to think of a few possible medical reasons why Paris Hilton can’t serve some time:
1. Not enough pink
As we all know, prison cells are a bleak place. You’ll be lucky to find a shiny plastic cafeteria spoon to cut your wrists with. Unless Paris can phone out to Harrods for some purple flocked wallpaper and diamanté chandeliers, she might die from optical bleeding. This would be good news for these people, but bad news for wank mags the world over.
2. No dick
It’s possible that with no male models being held in the complex, Paris’ vagina may completely seal up from lack of use. Of course, she could turn to chick-on-chick action, but without video recording equipment or FHM photographers, there would be little point.
3. Nicole Richie
Paris may well be suffering from insomnia, as it dawns upon her that her former-friend Nicole Richie may stop (allegedly) having botox injections in order to be photographed (allegedly) smiling at the news that the heiress is (allegedly) quite literally rotting away in jail. However, with botox being one of the most poisonous naturally occurring substances in the world, one could argue that Nicole would miss it more than she will miss its competitor Paris, and may (allegedly) continue with the treatment simply to enrich her feelings of (probably short-lived) complacency.
4. Rickets
Without her daily sunbed sessions, Hilton is at severe risk of a vitamin D deficiency. Wikipedia notes that those with darker, more orangey skin are more at risk from this hideously disfiguring condition. If she’s not careful, Paris will suffer from irreversible bone structure deformity, as her teeth disintegrate and her skull becomes “squared” in appearance. However, there is a plus side: the angularity of her skull will match her jawline in much the same way as her Gucci bag matches her scrotty little dog.
…One could continue in this vein forever. More exclusive Russell Brand death shots soon.
