A clam dredged up off the coast of Iceland is thought to have been the longest-lived animal discovered.
Scientists said the mollusc, an ocean quahog clam, was aged between 405 and 410 years and could offer insights into the secrets of longevity.
The clam, nicknamed Menzies, was in its infancy when Queen Elizabeth I was on the throne and Shakespeare was writing plays such as Othello and Hamlet.
Some friends and I travelled to the Tate Modern recently to see The Crack. For anyone who doesn’t know, this is a crack in the enormous open floor of the turbine hall. Remove one letter, change another and that just about covers it.
That’s the thing though. These exhibits are popular for their complete lack of skill. People like to go and gawk, and say “A lobster on a telephone. That’s stupid. I could’ve thought of that.” But DID you? No.
It seems to me that many objects d’art are therefore going unacknowledged – like the famous case of the bin bag full of rubbish that was mistakenly taken by a cleaner because it was… a bin bag full of rubbish.
With this in mind, I would like to draw the attention of you, the artistic community, to the following works of art that I plan to create in the course of the next year. All bids over five figures considered.
The Pothole
This is no mere copycat of The Crack. This work of art will represent the archetypal font of human knowledge, against the legendary poisoned chalice. It will be filled with raspberry jelly as a cultural revolt against the intrinsically dull nature of roadworks. Will you come and experience the most creative watering hole ever created by a creative?
Fork of Chip
This most simple of carved wooden items is identifiable by the majority of Britons, singling out Britain as a unique and potato-intensive community. It represents the good intentions of the political representatives of the UK to feed our united cultural identity without sullying themselves with the frying oil of cynicism. Ultimately, though, it shows the futility of these efforts, as the starchy brain-food for the masses breaks and fragments when clumsily speared by the drunken petit-bourgeoisie, especially when coated with the curry sauce of cultural comfort.
Sprouton Keynes
Notorious bland and overcooked, Milton Keynes is a city impossible to escape – and not just at Christmas. This football field-sized temporary art installation represents the hated masses as they go about their daily lives – every commuter carved reluctantly by members of my family. This exhibit will be taken down at Christmas and fed to the starving masses of Brixton.
