You will notice, quickly scrolling down, that I have just committed myself to writing at least as many words as will last the length of the utter monstrosity to the right. You see, if I don’t, it won’t wrap. Nasty. I’ve had to shrink it down as it is.

Oh yes, and if you don’t want to have to read the following dull-as-ditchwater essay on why Facebook is crap, because you already know why, then skip to the third section.

Basically, the miserable fact is that my Facebook salad days are over, for the following reasons:

1. Facebook is incredibly perverted. You know it’s true. In these days of perverted voyeurism, you can bet that on any high street at any one moment, at least a dozen cameras are recording your every move.

These icy, fetishy mirrored arms haven’t, until now, managed to reach into your own home. However, now you quite happily offer your personal life – innermost thoughts and all – to everyone you ever met. Nice move.

2. Facebook preys on your guilty conscience. You don’t like having to meet up and listen to Alice’s constant whining, so you exchange the odd wall post with her to fend her off until the next hideous birthday party. You don’t like admitting that you don’t like someone that much / don’t want to socialise with them / really don’t care about their badger obsession, so you offer them Facebook friendship as a sort of burnt offering.

How far this extends is up to you – do you stop at Cousin Terence, or have you found yourself accepting a friend request from that dodgy-looking bloke you were introduced to at the pub last weekend?

3. Facebook is the same as Friends Reunited, but much, much worse. Friends Reunited lets you find out who, out of your old school friends, is probably earning less money than you. Well, now you can discover what god-forsaken hole they’re living in, how atrocious their spelling is, how many evil chav brats they possess and how little their IQ has changed since primary school. If you’re good at maths you can probably work out how much they’re scamming out of the benefits system as well. Hours of fun.

4. Facebook is all about vanity. At the end of the day, you don’t care what your friends are up to even partially as much as you care what they think of your new hairdo / car / house. It’s all about self-obsession – why else would you be able to put up provoking updates on what you’re up to? Nobody really cares except for you – unless you put something like “Minnie is sad and lonely and ugly and unwanted”.

This blatant cry for help is designed to get everyone running for the huggly comfort-blanket of reassurance – or, if they’re like me, the sick bucket. If you’re really depressed/self-depreciating/fond of l33t sp34k and smilies, you don’t put it on Facebook, unless you really want your boss to know you have mental problems.

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There’s no stretching that out any longer, and we’re still only halfway down my pictorial evidence of mass insanity, so it’s about time I explained why I’ve bothered to screengrab, crop and paste the image that you see to the right. Ladies and gentlemen, I have been collecting application requests. At first I didn’t know why, but as my list grew so did my sense of vindication.

At first, I left it for the same reason that I leave a great many of my emails unread. I really don’t care that much, but feel guilty for deleting them. However, now I leave them all there as proof of my relative sanity and superiority: a rope keeping me tired to reality, if you will. I refuse to be dragged into this pirate ninja superhero surrealism. It’s all just a little too fucked up.

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Eight applications that will eventually exist on Facebook

1. The Find Madeline Application: This may already exist, since there’s no bastard filter on Facebook. Is she in your under-stair cupboard? Have you seen her at your local aquarium? Was that her in the audience on the Graham Norton show last night? Log on to the Find Maddy Application and pinpoint her location on a fully-interactive world map. We Will Find Her.

2. Paedophilia UK: Do you know where your nearest sex-offender is? You do now – so go throw a brick through his window and post your photos in the online album. Sponsored by the Daily Mail.

3. BeDisabled: Ever watched the Special Olympics with a sense of deep longing? Ever stolen Auntie Maud’s wheelchair when you were little and gone for a bit of a bender round the living room? Feel like you want a piece of the disability action? This application lets you choose your disability, paste on a picture of your face and place it on your Facebook profile for all to admire.

4. Baby Recipe Generator: Sautéed, roasted, grilled, broiled – however you like your baby, the Baby Recipe Generator is guaranteed to find the perfect Recipe Solution. Whether it’s for a dinner party, barbecue or light brunch, you’ll be the envy of all your friends.

5. SuiBook: Are you always ending your status updates with words like “depressed”, “lonely” or “virtually dead already”? Take the sting out of death with this great application. Styled in a fun midnight black, this search bar is the key to information about hundreds of poisons, ugly weapons and makeshift death traps. End it all in style.

6. Granny Swap: the ultimate online marketplace for all your granny-swapping needs. Choose from hundreds of different grannies of all different shapes and sizes. You’ll never be without the smell of week-old urine ever again.

7. My Sweet Psycho: Ever wondered what kind of psycho you’d be most likely to marry? Take this fun quiz and find out how you’re going to die! New feature: submit your name, address and photo to our list, and we’ll give your details to a recently-released mental patient for free.

8. Rapists vs. Paedos: Decide which you want to be, then convert all your friends by using the “cop a feel” buttons next to their profile. Gain as many Sicko Points as you can to impress your friends and rise up the ranks through 80s Pop Star to Politician and eventually as far as Minor Royalty.

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Finally, I’d like to quickly point out the enormous hypocrisy of this whole article, because I spend half my life on the complete and utter waste of server space that is Facebook. What can I say – I’m a self-obsessed whorebag with no life.

However, I’m buggered if I’m publicly admitting it to everyone that ever met me by coating myself in all those retarded applications. So stop sending them. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Because it’s ALL OF YOU, you c*nts.

I love Photoshopping amusing pictures so much that I’ve decided to let you, the public, have a bite of the cherry. Here’s how to do it.

1. Send your photos to me at minnie.bygott@teasmaderevenge.com
2. Make sure they are neither too big nor too small
3. Make sure they are at least vaguely amusing
4. Be aware that by sending them to me you are giving permission for me to display them on this website for ever and ever amen.

The prize itself is so spectacular that I’ve had to lock it away in a lead-lined safe concreted into a top-secret underground lair, with a 24-hr guard team consisting of monkeys that I personally have spend eleven years training up especially for this purpose. I don’t trust them though, so I’ve trained twelve cameras on each one of them. Thieving little monkey bastards.

Alternatively, the prize might not even exist yet. Who knows. Take a gamble.

***UPDATE*** Competition closes at midday on Friday 21st December.

***ANOTHER UPDATE*** No, I can’t tell you what the prize will be, but I can however guarantee that it will be utterly crap brilliant. If you like that sort of thing.

Hello! My friend did I story. I did the picture. If you vote for it, it could become Red Bull’s next advert. With that in mind, it was written to be the most unctious, arse-licking story on the planet. Here’s the link:

http://www.redbulltallstorycontest.co.uk/index.jsp#submitted-stories/&i=1293

Ta muchly