Forget Mr World

That’s it. Having created the Teasmade Revenge Amazing Fantastic Photoshop Competition, I have competitions on the brain. In my competition frenzy, I was unfortunate enough to spot this BBC News article about the 2007 winner of Miss World. I was in a fatuous and intensely bored mood, so I checked out the website – and, while it was loading, my weary eyes alighted on the following treasure trove of ogly goodness: the official Mr World 2007 website. Truly a beautiful thing.

Thing is, all the blokes on there are so generic. So sports-driven. So… so BEEFCAKE. Not everyone likes beefcake. Some of us like something a little more exciting – okay, perhaps not corned beef hash, but perhaps a nice beef bourguignon or spaghetti bolognaise or something. Brains before brawn, people.

Therefore, I’m proud to unveil this year’s Teasmade Revenge Intellectual Beefcake Contest winners.

Boris Johnson
Mr Henley-upon-Thames

An avid cyclist, Boris is Honourable Member for Henley – yummy. Boris likes running – for Mayor of London – and his favourite colour is blue.

Alan Davies
Mr Chingford

Born in Chingford in 1966, Alan likes to go scuba-diving and is an Arsenal fan (and he can show us his arsenal any time he wants). In his spare time, he also likes to dress up as a nerdy foppish detective and practice his pesco-vegetarianism [would like to note for the record that have thought of lots of dirty things to say about this last statement, but have erased them due to being much, much too disgusting].

Paul Merton
Mr Parsons Green

Born in London, Paul enjoys comedy and has even appeared on TV. In his spare time he does metalwork and supports Tottenham Hotspur.

Stephen Fry
Mr Norfolk

A man of many talents, Stephen has been a butler, a gameshow host, a PR agent and Oscar Wilde. In his spare time he likes to smoke a pipe, read period novels and make documentaries about mental illness.

So there we are folks. One last word: BEEFCAKE. That is all.