Crystal ball time

What’s going to happen in the next year, you wonder? We here at TR are quite quite certain that it’s all going straight down the bogs, and I intend to prove it. This time next year, you’ll be thanking me for my tremendous insight, as I unleash the first ever…

Teasmade Revenge New Year Predictions

• In January, the Carphone Warehouse advert comes tragically true as mobile phones across the country become more intelligent than their masters, growing legs and revolting against oppressive txtspk.
• February sees world leaders coming out of the closet in their dozens, with relationships between America and China improving dramatically, and a man suspiciously like Gordon Brown seen surfing Soho in leather chaps.
• On the 7th of March, someone types “Google” into Google and the internet implodes. Later on in the month, it is finally scientifically proven that Red Bull really does give you wings, after two dozen lab rats make a daring escape with a scientist’s half-eaten Mars bar. It is never found, despite lengthy forensic testing.
• In the style of many recent boy- and girl-band reunions, April sees the long-awaited Nazi Party Reunion Tour. However, limited popularity means that the tour ends prematurely on the west coast of France.
• Aliens make their first appearance on Earth in May – however, they land in Mablethorpe (aka Area 52), and nobody notices. Also in May: someone finds Maddy, but it turns out just to be a duck covered in tin foil.
• June will be the first month to get its own planet, after an attempt to build the world’s biggest fondue set goes horribly wrong.
• The hottest July on record means that base metals melt instantly, diamonds crack, the ground is enveloped in flames and – most irritatingly of all – chewing gum starts sticking to everyone’s trainers.
• In August, Pakistan finally holds a general election, to loud accusations of vote fixing. However, George Bush Jnr. says in an official statement that he’s just pleased that Daddy is having an active retirement.
• Nothing happens in September. Well, it does, but we’re all brainwashed like in Men in Black and all we remember is something about wallpaper and badgers. Let’s not ask too many questions, okay?
• Acid rain continues to destroy rainforests in October, after over-zealous new-age tree-hugging campaigners forget to leave their LSD at home.
• It’s my mother’s birthday in November, and as a present I get her name engraved on the surface of the Moon. However, the jeweller accidentally does it on the wrong side, so I never manage to prove it.
• December is such a mad month for Christmas shopping that high streets across the country begin to bulge at the seams, with small explosions in Newcastle and Birmingham, and literal carnage on London’s Oxford Street. Many shoppers are forced to eat their way out of Selfridges.