HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US

Happy birthday to us, happy birthday to us. Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday to us.

Ye verily, adoring followers, Teasmade Revenge is one year old today(-ish), Wednesday 16th January 2008. Yes, one whole year old. Kudos for us. I mean, I never thought I’d see it past five months, but now there are two of me. Wow. Hurrah. Etcetera.

So what are we doing to celebrate? Well, there’s a brand new archive. Oh, and this:

Ten Things You Never Knew About Teasmade Revenge

1. TR is best viewed in Mozilla Firefox – or from the centre of the earth. Remember to take your swimmers – the lava’s beautiful this time of year, really good for splashing around in.

2. Minnie and Grim both have part-ownership of a dog that looks curiously like a badger, sounds like a badger, and who loves nothing better than rolling in the fetid, rotting remains of a not-too-recently-deceased badger. Funnily enough, her name is Badger.

3. TR very nearly caught a deadly computer virus once, but it was fought off bravely with some Tixylix and a bread knife. This fact was brought to you by Tixylix, the cough syrup that cares.

4. Chuck Norris tried to open up a can of whoop-ass on us once, and failed miserably. This anecdote is usually left out of those Chuck Norris “Yo’ Momma”-style chain emails.

5. We here at Teasmade Revenge can categorically state that we did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.

6. GrimSqueaker likes Fair Trade bagged tea, whereas Minnie prefers a luke-warm loose-leaf Earl Grey. Both take milk, no sugar, and prefer their revenge served steaming hot, thank you very much.

7. TR is very much like a squirrel, in that both contain traces of nuts. However, at least it’s gluten-free, which is more than you can say for a squirrel. Glutinous little bastards.

8. Very few animals were harmed in the making of this website.

9. The reason that TR hates Russell Brand so much is that he shot Minnie’s grandmother, raped her little brother and went on a killing spree round her local branch of Dorothy Perkins. Unfortunately, the video footage of this atrocious carnage was eaten by Badger, after a particularly good rotten-badger-fest, and nobody could stop vomiting for long enough to stop her.

10. If you have been in any way affected by the issues aired on this website, the best way to deal with it is to go and buy yourself a clue. If you’re at all religious, you might like to take a good hard look at that as well.

Thanks to Beerbottle for his invaluable assistance in fetching these amazing truths from the depths of TR’s dirty little nappy-heap. Hope you manage to get the blood and faeces off your hands without having to resort to anything heavy-duty.