On modern manners

After a recent conversation with a high-ranking official in my capacity as web monkey (Me: “Hi – I’m Interactive.” Him: “Hello! Nice to meet you. I’m xx xxxx.” Me: “Yes, I know.”) I have begun to realise to what extent society is losing its hold on the social mores of yesteryear. It probably doesn’t help that I’ve been reading Debrett’s Etiquette for Girls.

With this in mind, I’d like to list a few of the modern niceties we appear to have adopted – and their true meanings.

“Excuse me one moment – my mobile’s ringing…
…appropriately, my ring tone is Iron Maiden’s Run To The Hills.”

“Dear Sirs, I write to apply for any runner positions you have open. I enclose my CV with a list of relevant experience.”
I hope you enjoy the knowledge that I have a BA, MA and a PHD when you get me to go and buy fags for you at a bargain rate of £0.23 per hour, you complete and utter bastards.

“Thank you for your application for the position of Runner. Unfortunately…
…we have given the job to the Managing Director’s feckless halfwit son.”

“Oh no, I can’t – I’m on a diet.”
I’m not on a diet. I just don’t like eating in front of you, in case you judge me.

(Man opens a door for you, a woman) “Why thank you”
Sexist pig.

(Man fails to open a door for you, a woman)
Arsehole.

“London Lite / Metro!”
Take a paper. Take half a dozen. I have mouths to feed, and they pay me in nuts and used sellotape.

“Excuse me Miss, can I check your train ticket?”
If you’re white: I want to stare down your top
If you’re black: I think you’re a terrorist

If you’ve spotted any more gems lurking amongst your daily grind of Ps and Qs, email me at minnie.bygott@teasmaderevenge.com.