Language solutionment

A very modern plague continues to sweep the country: Solution enActment Dialect. For the uninitiated, that means Corporate Bullshit Talk (CBT).

Don’t get me wrong – it could be worse. While being a business means registering with Companies House here in Blighty, to Americans the term applies for any enterprise with a shitty, meaningless byline attached to it. On a recent trip, my friend and I discovered to our horror that our hotel’s logo/strapline thing was “The Hotel Affinia: Putting the emphasis on the ‘Ahhh’.” Until recently, I couldn’t see British establishments putting up with that crap. I mean, can you imagine? “The BBC: Putting the emphasis on the ‘Beeee’.” No, it wouldn’t make sense. That’s my point. It doesn’t have to – in fact, it seems better if it doesn’t make sense.

However, things are changing. Some CBT is becoming so prevalent that it’s slipping into daily use. People don’t just have think tanks any more. They have whole rooms called The Think Tank, and nobody even looks twice. For years, Private Eye has run a small column simply called Solutions, featuring its favourite CBT… solutions. The market has been saturated. It is clearly time for some new meaningless bullshit.

You will have noticed that other, inferior, websites are merely content to mindlessly criticise things they don’t approve of. Hardly constructive. Teasmade Revenge is made of sterner stuff than that. Therefore, I’d like to leak the latest memo from me to Grim Squeaker, which should lay open our clear-thinking linguisticalisation solution theories.

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TO: GS                                 FROM: MB                                 DATE: 24/04/2008
SUBJECT: Language solutionment enforcement policification

Dear Grim,

It has been brought to my attention that either yourself or a person of equal or greater cretinaceousment has been encouraging antideconstructionivision in the workplace. This is clearly not acceptable. Please be aware that in advancemention of this time framespace continuum-now, such closed-box behaviour will not be tolerated.

Teasmade Revenge Corp. is entering a new skyscape of development interface solutionment, and as such cannot afford to become complacementageous. Any examples of brown-skyish think-thoughting will be acted against with the most severely detrimental-asylum advance-back implement bubbles possible.

Laterz :)

Minnie

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