Has your local shop run out of the National Enquirer? No more copies of Heat or OK! or Hello or whatever other celebrity-obsessed pulpy shit-rags you pore over? Have no fear – Teasmade Revenge is here! Yes, pop-pickers, here’s this week’s red-hot injection of celebrity doings, havings, goings and said-ings.

Brainless lady-twat Paris Hilton complaining about
the price of bananas at Asda in Hyson Green, Nottingham.
Woody Allen eating sweetcorn from a street vendor
in London’s Shepherd’s Bush. Former child star J K Rowling
coasting down Lincoln high street in a shopping trolley at
four in the morning. Russell Brand being mugged
by delegates at a sales conference in Stoke. Aging blonde
bimbo Hulk Hogan picking his nose at Primark in
Worcestershire, wherever that is. “Actor” Josh Harnett
getting his hair done at Kurly Lox Salon De Lux, Brixton.
Dead movie legend Charlton Heston buying jazz rags
in rural Wales. Julie Andrews off her head on acid
at a rave in Soho. Prince Phillip checking out the
latest Bollywood flick at a small independent cinema in
Edinburgh. Dead-head Nicole Richie buying chips
and cheese in Glasgow. Frog-aficionado Adam Sandler
mud-wrestling Dame Judi Dench in Newcastle’s Metro
Centre. Country singer Jay-Z buying underwear in
Marks and Spencers in Cardiff. Mariah Carey in a
clown suit, picking up roadkill from a country road in Surrey.
A heavily made-up Kevin Costner sleeping under a
park bench in Milton Keynes.

Have you seen any celebs around and about? Why not email your dirty, dirty gossip to me at minnie.bygott@teasmaderevenge.com. You know you want to.

…but it’s not my birthday for months. It’s all this video’s fault:

I’m especially loving the Stephen Hawking-style voiceover. Nice. Thanks to b3ta.

Question: What does Big Brother have in common with The Apprentice?
Answer: Both are an horrendous waste of time and energy, slowly rotting away the brains of participants and viewers alike into a soup of red hot evil bitchiness, back-stabbing and steaming, stinking hate.

Question v.2: What does Big Brother not have in common with The Apprentice?
Answer: Big Brother is intrinsically honest: broadcast by Channel 4, it doesn’t therefore have to prove its worth in the eyes of the petit bourgeoisie, and can show all the tits and arse it wants without being forced to dress it all up in cheap pinstripe suits, nasty orange makeup and slapped-bum attitude.

Be honest, you feel much less guilty watching The Apprentice than Big Brother. You disgust me. In turn, I disgust myself. May I add: LEAVE LETITIA ALONE!!!1!!!11!1!!!! ::weeps inconsolably::