Scene, not heard

Has your local shop run out of the National Enquirer? No more copies of Heat or OK! or Hello or whatever other celebrity-obsessed pulpy shit-rags you pore over? Have no fear – Teasmade Revenge is here! Yes, pop-pickers, here’s this week’s red-hot injection of celebrity doings, havings, goings and said-ings.

Brainless lady-twat Paris Hilton complaining about
the price of bananas at Asda in Hyson Green, Nottingham.
Woody Allen eating sweetcorn from a street vendor
in London’s Shepherd’s Bush. Former child star J K Rowling
coasting down Lincoln high street in a shopping trolley at
four in the morning. Russell Brand being mugged
by delegates at a sales conference in Stoke. Aging blonde
bimbo Hulk Hogan picking his nose at Primark in
Worcestershire, wherever that is. “Actor” Josh Harnett
getting his hair done at Kurly Lox Salon De Lux, Brixton.
Dead movie legend Charlton Heston buying jazz rags
in rural Wales. Julie Andrews off her head on acid
at a rave in Soho. Prince Phillip checking out the
latest Bollywood flick at a small independent cinema in
Edinburgh. Dead-head Nicole Richie buying chips
and cheese in Glasgow. Frog-aficionado Adam Sandler
mud-wrestling Dame Judi Dench in Newcastle’s Metro
Centre. Country singer Jay-Z buying underwear in
Marks and Spencers in Cardiff. Mariah Carey in a
clown suit, picking up roadkill from a country road in Surrey.
A heavily made-up Kevin Costner sleeping under a
park bench in Milton Keynes.

Have you seen any celebs around and about? Why not email your dirty, dirty gossip to me at minnie.bygott@teasmaderevenge.com. You know you want to.