Sweetie Darling

It appears that the one good thing that Gordy did for us while he was staring up at Blair as though he were the last Eclair in the patisserie – the 10p tax rate – has been eaten up by Alistair Darling, the greedy little bastard. Nobody noticed this until now because our jaded electorate can’t even be bothered to vote, never mind actually follow politics.

The thing is, we’ve all had our first paycheck of the financial year now, and it’s looking even more crappy than usual. All of a sudden, everyone’s ears have pricked up, and they’re starting to think that perhaps the Tories aren’t so bad after all. Not good.

So, what can Labour do to ease the strain on the hard-working low-paid masses to make everyone love them again? Here are a few changes that would certainly cheer me up while I’m eating pasta in front of the TV yet again while my richer friends sod off to the theatre and Waitrose and bloody wine tasting in the bloody South of bloody bloody France. Not that I’m bitter.

1. Bring back Nerds
What the hell happened to Nerds? I used to love those little E number-riddled sour-as-heck bastards. If Darling and Gordy were seen fighting over Nerds at PM’s Question Time, maybe the nation would be able to forgive and forget.

2. Panem et circenses (bread and circuses)
The Romans were arguably the greatest civilisation that ever lived. How did they do it? Well, not only did they give away free bread, but they also held immense public gladiatorial battles in which fierce wild animals ripped the shit out of Christians. I suggest we go all retro and convert Wembley Stadium into a giant amphitheatre, roping in London Zoo and waking up the half-dead lions with a few bursts from a police taser. Let’s stick with the tried and tested Christian theme – it’s okay, so long as nobody starts on any Muslims.

3. War
Distract the nation by starting a war in a country nobody’s heard of, somewhere really far away. Oh, hang on…

4. Morris dancing
Legendary conductor and covert ping pong addict Sir Thomas Beecham once said “try everything once except folk dancing and incest.” As much as I defer to the opinions of one so wise, I think this rule can be broken. Yes, Morris dancing is utterly horrific, but I understand it’s quite nice when it’s over. I refuse to compare this to the incest one. Let us brush through this point quickly, before I get a worried call from my parents.

5. Transvestite government
All members of the Houses of Parliament should be made to wear drag at all times. Obviously, this policy is skewed toward blokes, so to make up for it, all female MPs would have dress like Anne Widdicombe.

Also, Muhammed Al Fayed should be made Speaker of the House of Lords – this would be fuggin’ great.

6. A new show for Ant and Dec
Three words. Celebrity Russian Roulette. Five more words. Six rounds in every gun. A guaranteed success. In fact, I’m tempted to email Channel 5 right this minute. Instead, I shall continue.

7. Give Russell Brand the Guy Fawkes treatment
Okay, so everybody loves the turd, but at least two people would be immensely cheered by a crafty glimpse of entrail or two. Alright, one of those would be me. And the other would be Grim Squeaker. But I couldn’t resist sneaking it in here anyway.

8. Cake
The obesity ‘crisis’ is getting us all down, so I know that I for one would like to hear that Gordy’s official stance on confectionery has changed. Conservatives will probably condemn what they will call ‘typical Labour back-tracking’ and maintain they supported the policy from the beginning, but either way the ‘New Labour: Let Them Eat Cake’ campaign is sure to be a roaring success.

In fact, this last campaign may have already started, in its own little way.

Thanks to Beerbottle and Grim Squeaker.