Ikea hearts tramps
Swigging down champers this afternoon, I suddenly realised how very lucky I am. You know, hosed and shod, with plenty of food and booze and a cushty job. What about those poor unfortunates forced to live on the streets? That could happen to anyone. What makes me different from them?
Well, it’s probably because tramps don’t seem to be very inventive, to be honest. Perhaps that’s how they ended up being tramps. They’re always sticking to the same formula: lying in a doorway, swigging down Special Brew. However, that’s got to change. We need to lighten up the lives of tramps. But how to do it? Surely not through misguidedly thrown pennies, or half-eaten sandwiches? No. Through judicious use of Ikea cocktail glasses, that’s how.
Yes, I know, I know, you’re thinking that tramps can’t afford to live a spats-and-cocktails lifestyle. That’s where you’re wrong, my friend. Here, for your delectation, are some brand new cocktail recipes: old classics re-modelled for the enjoyment of tramps everywhere.
Mouldy Margarita
- Wet edge of cocktail glass in a puddle
- Up-end glass into pile of road salt, to coat the edge
- Put in a slosh of Tescos own brand tequila, wait for three seconds
- Add handful of road salt and another handful of dirt
- Enjoy!
Bloody Hairy
- Buy tinned tomatoes, open tin
- Add Tescos own brand vodka
- Optional: a splash of petrol adds a final kick
- Pour into cocktail glass, enjoy!
Yellow Snowball
- Milk cat / dog
- Mix with snow
- Enjoy / throw up
Cool. I’m going to go and be sick now.
