Last month, we ran a low-down of what your favourite celebs were up to in the exciting, fun-packed month of April. Well, the little bastards are still alive and scampering around like lice on a prostitute’s… um… favourite horse-hair cushions. So, this month, we saw…:

Jodie Marsh trying on boiler suits in B&Q in
Rotherham. Hot new young porn star Stephen Fry
sweeping leaves in Rhyll. Death metal singer Feist
smoking twigs with teenagers behind the bike sheds
at St. Cuthbert’s School for Boys, Cumberland. Kelly
Osbourne persecuting the impoverished in London’s
West Kensington. A tramp kicking Russell Brand to
death in a children’s ball pool in Birmingham city centre.
Mike Tyson complaining about the soup on a budget
trip to Magaluf with BMI Baby. 50 Cent picking now-
obsolete centimes out of a gutter in a small town in
southern France. Actor Rupert Everett throwing a
bottle of urine at the Sugababes at a concert in the
back of a pub in Stoke. Politician and public speaker Mick
Jagger rodgering his grandmother from behind in some
woods in Devon. Cartoon character Boris Johnson
becoming Mayor of London.

As always, if you’ve seen any celebrities down, out or even about, email me at minnie.bygott@teasmaderevenge.com. Kisses. x

Ever been really pissed off? Of course you have. However, enny fule kno that you can’t let it get to you. Swallow the anger, and wash it down with a nice cup of bile. Nobody likes to have their shopping trip / holiday / pagan sacrifice ruined by someone going nuts because a pigeon just shat on their brand new stilts.

Luckily, there are strategies. You know, breathing exercises, squidgy balls, voodoo. The thing is, these are often not enough… personally, I’ve been looking for something to assuage my deep rage recently, and here are a few strategies I’ve found useful.

Mantraps
Why bother going on the rampage in your local shopping centre / high school / clown academy with a shotgun, when you can simply spend days digging holes, carefully placing mantraps in them and then laying twigs and leaves over the top? Even better, keep a camcorder trained on the scene and win yourself £250 on You’ve Been Framed!

Bubble wrap
A timeless classic, bubble wrap is everyone’s favourite. Whether you tersely pop it under your desk or wrap your subject up in it and throw them out of the nearest window into the holly bush twelve floors below, you can’t go wrong.

Ethel Merman
It could all be down to sexual tension. I read a book recently in which the heroine dug a hole in her bedroom wall through a poster of Ethel Merman and shagged it. Obviously this tactic isn’t for everyone, but you could always try it getting it on with someone else. Ginger Rogers, perhaps.

Chocolate
Indulge yourself with a nice chunky bar of the brown stuff – freeze it and gouge their eyes out with it. Alternatively, create your own man-made brown-stuff and shove it through their letterbox. Granted, it’s getting a bit a clichéd now – but classics are classic for a reason.

Take time out
Honestly, how are you supposed to plan someone’s grisly demise if you don’t give yourself adequate time to prepare? Spend the time having a luxurious bath, reading a book or shaving your head, buying a white cat and putting lasers onto your sharks’ heads.

The silent win
Simply wait. Good things come to those who wait. That person probably isn’t just annoying you. They’re annoying everyone. Plus, you get to feel like every minute they spend alive is one you have graciously permitted them to enjoy, because of the excellent sort of person you are.

Planning your hols? Going somewhere nice? Somewhere hot and sunny?

STOP RIGHT THERE. You are BORING. Why go to the usual sun-drenched beach getaway when you could go somewhere truly interesting? Somewhere like this…?
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Kyrgyzstan – Teasmade Revenge’s approved holiday destination of 2008

Why not pop to an impoverished ex-Soviet state landlocked by China? Don’t worry though, the only terrifying thing about it is its national anthem. Honest.

Geography and Climate
Temperatures vary from a sub-tropical 40 degrees celsius in summer to sub-zero for most of the winter – so there’s something for everyone. It’s perfect for budding mountaineers, being almost entirely covered in mountains – and there are loads of fun mud slides and snow avalanches. Most of the water is polluted, making swimming an unusually daring activity. However, the main river dries up before it gets out of the country (Uzbekistan borrows it) so don’t bother taking your swimsuit.

Transport links
There aren’t really any roads, but there isn’t any fuel either, so you won’t miss them. Most people use horses. Luckily, there are trains – two of them, in fact. One to Kazakhstan and one to Uzbekistan. They have an airport, mainly served by government-owned Kyrgyzstan Airlines – proud to be on the list of air carriers banned in the European Union.

Traditions and culture
Sporting activities in Kyrgyzstan include (according to Wikipedia):

• Jumby Atmai – a large bar of precious metal (the “jumby”) is tied to a pole by a thread and contestants attempt to break the thread by shooting at it, while at a gallop.
• Kyz Kuumai – a man chases a girl in order to win a kiss from her, while she gallops away; if he is not successful she may beat him with her “kamchi” (horsewhip).
• Oodarysh – two contestants wrestle on horseback, each attempting to be the first to throw the other from his horse.

Kyrgyzstanis are known for their felt, three-stringed lutes and falconry. Bride-kidnapping is also really popular with one in three women getting involved – men and their male relatives will pick out a suitable female and hold her hostage for days or even weeks, until she either consents to marry him or commits suicide. She will often be impregnated so that she can’t return to her home without being killed by her ashamed parents – fun for all the family!

Politics and political traditions
Leaders are generally corrupt, with politicians often being murdered – so don’t worry about the odd bit of drug smuggling (Kyrgyzstan specialises in opium), because you’ll be able to pay off officials easily. It’s a win win situation! What’s more, what crime there is is generally very well organised.

Kyrgyzstanis love to get involved with politics – they often like to get together and shout political slogans. The police like to get quite involved in these as well. Every now and then, people like to go on huge treasure hunts throughout the capital: generous officials let people make off with all sorts of valuable historical artefacts and then like to hunt them down and kill them.

In terms of strategy, polygamy’s the policy of the future.
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I don’t know about you, but I’ve already packed my bags.

I realise it’s utterly, totally wrong to have two images of John Prescott on my homepage at the same time, but I’m quite pleased with this one:

It’s all getting a bit old now, though. Who should I do next? Leave a comment – or email me at minnie.bygott@teasmaderevenge.com.

Oh dear. I was going to post more Prescott Photoshoppage, but I got this letter through the post today. I don’t know how it got here, since (a) I haven’t given you all my address, and (b) it was addressed to “Minnie, Teasmade Revenge, The Internet”. However, here it is:

Dear Minnie,

Mr. J. Bohnson

In a way, it’s a fair point. I mean, I wrote Bozzer an email months before the elections (when he was very much an outside choice) in a brazen attempt to get snazzy new Back Boris Oyster Card holders for me and my friends, and he was even so generous as to slip in a t-shirt and a load of stickers too. I shit you not. This really did occur. I can’t believe I didn’t mention it. Obviously, it’s not so hilariously funny now that he’s actually won, but still.

Anyway, if I recall correctly, I later found a note on my floor in Boris’s trademark scrawl. I am at least 99% sure it was from Boris (give or take a few decimal places). Unfortunately, when I woke up the next morning it was gone, but I shall attempt to record it from memory as well as I am able.

MY GRAND PLAN (TOP SECRET: NO GIRLS ALOWED)
1. Become Mayor of London, dispense of boot-wearing cat.
2. Get rid of horrid bendy buses so can cycle to skool the H of P without pesky mud getting on trousers.
3. Realise will now longer to abel to blame bad cycling on bendy buses, renege on pledge.
4. Maek friends with popular boys (Cameron et al). Might have to share toffees at lunchtime.
5. Strike Blair-Brown-style deal with Cammers, become PRI-MINISTER of the WHOLE OF ENGLAND and aslo Wales and things!!!
6. Go and speek nicely with that rather nice chap Geog Bush, pursuede him to stop killing those foreign chappies. Possible speech idea: “Geog old man, I do think it’s not on you killing all these foreign chappies. Hardly sportsmanlike, eh what? Oh noes I fell over.”
7. Everyone wil be rearly pleased
8. Buy new bycyle (red)
9. Get made president of the UNIVERS, even thoh evryone thinks I am to stupid to win. Ha! I will show them, what what! Old Bozzer is not one to be rekoned with! Ha!
10. Have tea with the Queen. Maybe even crumpets too. She is a top laydee.
11. Rest on Lawrells.

Well then. I suppose time will only tell as to whether this is truly a genuine artifact. Please don’t blame me if it really happens.

And I bet you thought that the Russell Brand Death Through Nature series had run its course, right? Wrong.

So yes, as usual, I had this beautiful dream last night…