In a desperate attempt to stop the slow wash of passé-ness that’s been spreading over Facebook for the last few months, a drastic make-over has been introduced. At last, a major web-based organisation has realised the importance of good design. Here’s a peek…

A lot of people will probably say that Facebook has taken a step back from the new design era – applications have been pushed to one side on separate tabs, and the wall and mini-feed have been merged into a big one-size-fits-all feed/wall. Both neat and messy at the same time, I suppose. So what’s made the designers at Facebook take a firmer hand at the wheel and steer away from MySpace-style user-generated design?

The boffins at their design labs (I always imagine white surfaces, bean bags and people in designer glasses swirling pristine pencils over plain lined notepads) say that it’s to “make the site simpler and cleaner“, but personally I think it’s because they didn’t expect to applications to grow in the positively insane way that they have. At this moment in time, I have 713 unanswered application requests (see my previous article about this for more info), all of them completely and utterly useless. I mean, even Facebook-useless. And they’re all there because Facebook were clever enough not to let the public mess with their design, but cowardly and populist enough to let every moron with Notepad have a pop at making groups and fan-pages and Ninja-fighting Badger Fruit-box applications. They wanted to show off their code, and they wanted everyone to get what they wanted in a style that would get people off MySpace without bugging them about their standard design template.

So yes, it all went a bit crazy, and Facebook have had to have a major (and yet “democratic”) redesign to stop people clogging up their pages with tat. Because this is the central point about web design, and one that Facebook designers have always had tabs on: just because users like to design their own pages doesn’t mean they’re any good at it. Some of the profiles I’ve seen have taken minutes to load on a full-strength connection. It’s like MySpace all over again – ugliness, slowness, unfriendly design. It’s web communism – everyone gets a piece of the internet, which is theoretically fantastic. But in practice, it’s bloody atrocious.

The problem with Web 3.0 (or whatever number it is we’re approaching now) is that all these widgets and embedded bits and pieces are making things so dirty and incoherent. Again, in theory, fantastic – you can make a little box with all your stuff in it, and people can effectively hotlink your servers by putting it in their site. Free advertising, more traffic. Sounds brilliant.

It’s not, though. Because even if your design’s the best ever, who’s to say it’s going to fit in with what’s around it? And who’s going to stop someone from embedding it in an unsuitable site, or taking it and ripping the shit out of it? Once you’ve put it out there, you’ve lost control – both of your content, and of your design. What’s worse is that if you remove it, you’re potentially breaking thousands of people’s websites.

The point is, if a website is designed well, it shouldn’t need other people to assemble it for themselves. It should be a place that everyone can trust: trust to give them what they want in a simple and effective manner. You should promote yourself through your good reputation, not by pimping yourself far and wide across the net with apps and widgets. People should be able to find you via simple text links and good reviews. If you have to promote something via complicated, propagandistic embeds and applications, chances are it isn’t that good to start with.

Facebook started this way, by learning its lessons from the failings of MySpace and others and understanding the basic tenets of usability and good design. By continuing as it always meant to go on, let’s hope it stays.

Ah, Revels. Beggars’ Milk Tray. Sweets for the indecisive. The chocolate treat that attempts to cater for all, thereby catering for nobody. Feel like Maltesers, but don’t want to fully commit? Need chocolatey, raisiny goodness, but feel the need to throw in a sugary, powdery version of some other fruit? Don’t really care whether or not you know what you’re about to eat? Never fear, Revels are here.

Revels seem to base their whole strategy on the fact that there are people who wander into sweet shops with no clear idea of their aims and objectives. They know they want something sweet. It should preferably involve chocolate. They don’t want anything too chewy, nor do they feel like anything too soft. They’re buggered if they’re going to drop the cash for a box of chocolates, but they don’t want to be eating the same thing for the duration of their sweet experience. Then, suddenly, they see the Revels: yes, why not?

This is both the joy of Revels and the stone around their neck. I would estimate that very few people actually go to buy chocolate with the sole intention of buy Revels, because the fact is that there is always at least one Revel that you really, really hate. If you’re really unlucky, it’s one of the ones you can’t discover via simple scientific experiment. Personally, I despise the coffee ones. This would be extremely problematic if I liked the orange ones a great deal, but I never feel too bad doing a firm “squish test” if it bumps off the orange ones as well.

This is, of course, a good time to review your opinions of Revels, since there’s a vote out to get rid of your least favourite flavour for a while, to be replaced by a mysterious new flavour. I highly recommend visiting the Revels Eviction website and placing your vote – and I’m very pleased to say that coffee is losing by a fair margin. However, it’s closely followed by poor old raisin, so quick – place your vote now!

In the interests of fairness, I would like to link to this excellent review with a chocolate-by-chocolate breakdown. Unfortunately, it favours the coffee, but I suppose someone has to like them.

What a load of dreadful old tat. I don’t know a lot about very small children, so I’m not quite sure what particular brand of toddler eats this crap up. However, what I do know something about is the associated brand of adults: the type that likes to visit Disney stores and purchase Mickey Mouse mugs in a non-ironic way. The ones who weer-wy wuv Winnie the Pooh and Tigger. The ones who use lots of bloody smilies. :C

These awful, most disgusting of human beings have been psyching themselves up for this for months – believing the hype, avidly staring at the great many trailers, moaning in a semi-orgasmic way at the merchandise. I feel dirty – foully dirty – for joining their ranks this evening. That’s £8.10 I shall never, ever see again. Things I could have spent that £8.10 on:
- Drugs
- Alcohol
- Chocolate
- Half a Mickey Mouse mug

Don’t get me wrong, I love a ditzy rom-com as much as the next girl, but when it involves cutesy robots inadvertently saving the world, count me out. I know there are lots of amazing special effects, and there’s this bit where the semi-demented ET-a-like floats through the universe touching the pretty stars, but seriously, what a load of cock.

Stupidly, I succumbed to a short buying frenzy recently and bought Crystal Castles’ debut album on the strength of just one song. Well, also on the basis of the huge 8bitpeoples controversy. It’s generally pretty hard to get hold of chip music in your local record shop, so I thought that (since they were allegedly stealing it from other people) the Crystal Castles album would be bursting with precious, precious 8bit.

It sort of does. I mean, there’s definitely 8bit in there. The 8bit isn’t the problem: it’s the other shit. Random, screamy, tuneless vocals and over-use of trippy synthesisers. It’s as though a stoner got hold of some pretty good chip tunes, took them to a lunatic asylum and played the keyboard while recording the insane ramblings of the mentally ill.

Don’t get me wrong, there are stand-out tracks. Well, there are stand-out bits of really bizarre tracks which, if on their own, would be excellent. Unfortunately, these tend to be the intros – just as you start getting ready to dance around your flat in your underwear, the weirdness kicks in. Quickly followed by the disappointment. And the pressing desire to visit the 8bit Collective and hunt out some proper-decent 8bit from their immense mound of dross.

The least worst tracks: Untrust Us and 1991.

Oh yes, and if you’re wondering what 8bit is, you’re probably better off looking for ‘chiptunes’ in Wikipedia.

Bloody cyclists. They’re like pedestrians, but with a death wish. Or motorists with a death wish. Basically, they have a death wish. They’re so territorial, as well – it’s very nearly impossible to walk through central London without being screamed at by an incredibly angry shiny-skinned mentalist going about a billion miles an hour on the pavement. Cyclists do not belong on the pavement. They belong in a padded room.

So anyway, they wear utterly ridiculous clothing, and it’s getting more and more ridiculous. Nobody has worn Lycra since the 80s – except cyclists. For me, there’s always been this big unanswered question about Lycra. I nearly went into a cycling shop to ask once, but it felt a bit like going into a porno den. I mean, do Lycra fetishists take to cycling as a way to make their public semi-nudity more acceptable, or does cycling turn people into perverts? And why do they get so angry, like society is forcing them to feign stinginess? Oh yes, they’re saving all that money they’d otherwise be spending on public transport, true: and spending it on replacing their bike every two months after it’s stolen by chavs instead. Delusional, completely delusional.

Back to the silly outfit. It’s almost as though they think the Lycra will make them go faster (like it bloody matters when your top speed barely matches that of a small child on a push-along), but frankly if I drove a car I’d be more likely to aim at a pillock in skin-tight shorts than say, Boris Johnson. But then Boris Johnson is seriously hot.

You may have noticed that Teasmade Revenge has undergone a slight makeover. However, this isn’t just a cosmetic makeover: it’s also an ideological one. TR has been too general (and therefore, too hard to find).

Therefore, welcome to the brand spanking all-new Teasmade Revenge: We Review Stuff. What do we review? Well, stuff. More on the new philosophy the About page.

Stay tuned for more frequent updates with far, far more bitchiness. What do you mean, you hadn’t thought it was possible?