Oooh. Twitter. So. Here we are, then. Twitter. Yes. Gosh. Flavour of the month. Everyone’s doing it. But is anyone understanding it?

People seem to be using Twitter for all sorts of things. Broadcasting enigmatic philosophies about toasters and weasels, sharing valuable knowledge about their bloody grandmothers, pretending to be boring celebrities, and most importantly of all showing people pictures of themselves stuck in lifts.

What’s more, it’s possible to post from all sorts of amazing high-tech software and hardware. I personally blog in an immensely Nathanesque manner – iPhones, Firefox add-ons, desktop thingies, the lot. This only serves to make the whole thing really, really bloody addictive. It’s like if, say, Facebook were poppers, then Twitter is cocaine. No, that’s not clichéd enough. Heroin. Hang on, not there yet… um… fuck… bubble wrap. YEAH, BUBBLE WRAP. That’s fucking right.

But, in old-style retro Teasmade fashion (going back to my roots, people), I just don’t think it’s been taken far enough. The world hasn’t got enough Twitter outlets. What’s more, there’s far more that could be covered, and by far more people So, let’s mash all that up.

Teasmade Revenge’s Ideal Twitter Timeline

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satan @jesus Yeah, well fuck you too
2 minutes ago from Hell.o.phone in reply to jesus
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aliens @humanity Landing now. Prepare your women and children for
their slow and painful demise.
4 minutes ago from outrspac
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stevejobs I give up, it’s true, my computers are waaaay overpriced.
Can’t believe I fooled you all for so long. Suckers.
5 minutes ago from CoffinFon
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borisj Beat @redken at Wiff Waff this morning. Commie bastard.
8 minutes ago from outrspac
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geog_bush im on th intnets. now wat? r their irackees on heer? hop
not… o noes, bedtime.
9 minutes ago from nurseryFon
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…actually, on reflection, perhaps not…

In a desperate attempt to stop the slow wash of passé-ness that’s been spreading over Facebook for the last few months, a drastic make-over has been introduced. At last, a major web-based organisation has realised the importance of good design. Here’s a peek…

A lot of people will probably say that Facebook has taken a step back from the new design era – applications have been pushed to one side on separate tabs, and the wall and mini-feed have been merged into a big one-size-fits-all feed/wall. Both neat and messy at the same time, I suppose. So what’s made the designers at Facebook take a firmer hand at the wheel and steer away from MySpace-style user-generated design?

The boffins at their design labs (I always imagine white surfaces, bean bags and people in designer glasses swirling pristine pencils over plain lined notepads) say that it’s to “make the site simpler and cleaner“, but personally I think it’s because they didn’t expect to applications to grow in the positively insane way that they have. At this moment in time, I have 713 unanswered application requests (see my previous article about this for more info), all of them completely and utterly useless. I mean, even Facebook-useless. And they’re all there because Facebook were clever enough not to let the public mess with their design, but cowardly and populist enough to let every moron with Notepad have a pop at making groups and fan-pages and Ninja-fighting Badger Fruit-box applications. They wanted to show off their code, and they wanted everyone to get what they wanted in a style that would get people off MySpace without bugging them about their standard design template.

So yes, it all went a bit crazy, and Facebook have had to have a major (and yet “democratic”) redesign to stop people clogging up their pages with tat. Because this is the central point about web design, and one that Facebook designers have always had tabs on: just because users like to design their own pages doesn’t mean they’re any good at it. Some of the profiles I’ve seen have taken minutes to load on a full-strength connection. It’s like MySpace all over again – ugliness, slowness, unfriendly design. It’s web communism – everyone gets a piece of the internet, which is theoretically fantastic. But in practice, it’s bloody atrocious.

The problem with Web 3.0 (or whatever number it is we’re approaching now) is that all these widgets and embedded bits and pieces are making things so dirty and incoherent. Again, in theory, fantastic – you can make a little box with all your stuff in it, and people can effectively hotlink your servers by putting it in their site. Free advertising, more traffic. Sounds brilliant.

It’s not, though. Because even if your design’s the best ever, who’s to say it’s going to fit in with what’s around it? And who’s going to stop someone from embedding it in an unsuitable site, or taking it and ripping the shit out of it? Once you’ve put it out there, you’ve lost control – both of your content, and of your design. What’s worse is that if you remove it, you’re potentially breaking thousands of people’s websites.

The point is, if a website is designed well, it shouldn’t need other people to assemble it for themselves. It should be a place that everyone can trust: trust to give them what they want in a simple and effective manner. You should promote yourself through your good reputation, not by pimping yourself far and wide across the net with apps and widgets. People should be able to find you via simple text links and good reviews. If you have to promote something via complicated, propagandistic embeds and applications, chances are it isn’t that good to start with.

Facebook started this way, by learning its lessons from the failings of MySpace and others and understanding the basic tenets of usability and good design. By continuing as it always meant to go on, let’s hope it stays.

You will notice, quickly scrolling down, that I have just committed myself to writing at least as many words as will last the length of the utter monstrosity to the right. You see, if I don’t, it won’t wrap. Nasty. I’ve had to shrink it down as it is.

Oh yes, and if you don’t want to have to read the following dull-as-ditchwater essay on why Facebook is crap, because you already know why, then skip to the third section.

Basically, the miserable fact is that my Facebook salad days are over, for the following reasons:

1. Facebook is incredibly perverted. You know it’s true. In these days of perverted voyeurism, you can bet that on any high street at any one moment, at least a dozen cameras are recording your every move.

These icy, fetishy mirrored arms haven’t, until now, managed to reach into your own home. However, now you quite happily offer your personal life – innermost thoughts and all – to everyone you ever met. Nice move.

2. Facebook preys on your guilty conscience. You don’t like having to meet up and listen to Alice’s constant whining, so you exchange the odd wall post with her to fend her off until the next hideous birthday party. You don’t like admitting that you don’t like someone that much / don’t want to socialise with them / really don’t care about their badger obsession, so you offer them Facebook friendship as a sort of burnt offering.

How far this extends is up to you – do you stop at Cousin Terence, or have you found yourself accepting a friend request from that dodgy-looking bloke you were introduced to at the pub last weekend?

3. Facebook is the same as Friends Reunited, but much, much worse. Friends Reunited lets you find out who, out of your old school friends, is probably earning less money than you. Well, now you can discover what god-forsaken hole they’re living in, how atrocious their spelling is, how many evil chav brats they possess and how little their IQ has changed since primary school. If you’re good at maths you can probably work out how much they’re scamming out of the benefits system as well. Hours of fun.

4. Facebook is all about vanity. At the end of the day, you don’t care what your friends are up to even partially as much as you care what they think of your new hairdo / car / house. It’s all about self-obsession – why else would you be able to put up provoking updates on what you’re up to? Nobody really cares except for you – unless you put something like “Minnie is sad and lonely and ugly and unwanted”.

This blatant cry for help is designed to get everyone running for the huggly comfort-blanket of reassurance – or, if they’re like me, the sick bucket. If you’re really depressed/self-depreciating/fond of l33t sp34k and smilies, you don’t put it on Facebook, unless you really want your boss to know you have mental problems.

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There’s no stretching that out any longer, and we’re still only halfway down my pictorial evidence of mass insanity, so it’s about time I explained why I’ve bothered to screengrab, crop and paste the image that you see to the right. Ladies and gentlemen, I have been collecting application requests. At first I didn’t know why, but as my list grew so did my sense of vindication.

At first, I left it for the same reason that I leave a great many of my emails unread. I really don’t care that much, but feel guilty for deleting them. However, now I leave them all there as proof of my relative sanity and superiority: a rope keeping me tired to reality, if you will. I refuse to be dragged into this pirate ninja superhero surrealism. It’s all just a little too fucked up.

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Eight applications that will eventually exist on Facebook

1. The Find Madeline Application: This may already exist, since there’s no bastard filter on Facebook. Is she in your under-stair cupboard? Have you seen her at your local aquarium? Was that her in the audience on the Graham Norton show last night? Log on to the Find Maddy Application and pinpoint her location on a fully-interactive world map. We Will Find Her.

2. Paedophilia UK: Do you know where your nearest sex-offender is? You do now – so go throw a brick through his window and post your photos in the online album. Sponsored by the Daily Mail.

3. BeDisabled: Ever watched the Special Olympics with a sense of deep longing? Ever stolen Auntie Maud’s wheelchair when you were little and gone for a bit of a bender round the living room? Feel like you want a piece of the disability action? This application lets you choose your disability, paste on a picture of your face and place it on your Facebook profile for all to admire.

4. Baby Recipe Generator: Sautéed, roasted, grilled, broiled – however you like your baby, the Baby Recipe Generator is guaranteed to find the perfect Recipe Solution. Whether it’s for a dinner party, barbecue or light brunch, you’ll be the envy of all your friends.

5. SuiBook: Are you always ending your status updates with words like “depressed”, “lonely” or “virtually dead already”? Take the sting out of death with this great application. Styled in a fun midnight black, this search bar is the key to information about hundreds of poisons, ugly weapons and makeshift death traps. End it all in style.

6. Granny Swap: the ultimate online marketplace for all your granny-swapping needs. Choose from hundreds of different grannies of all different shapes and sizes. You’ll never be without the smell of week-old urine ever again.

7. My Sweet Psycho: Ever wondered what kind of psycho you’d be most likely to marry? Take this fun quiz and find out how you’re going to die! New feature: submit your name, address and photo to our list, and we’ll give your details to a recently-released mental patient for free.

8. Rapists vs. Paedos: Decide which you want to be, then convert all your friends by using the “cop a feel” buttons next to their profile. Gain as many Sicko Points as you can to impress your friends and rise up the ranks through 80s Pop Star to Politician and eventually as far as Minor Royalty.

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Finally, I’d like to quickly point out the enormous hypocrisy of this whole article, because I spend half my life on the complete and utter waste of server space that is Facebook. What can I say – I’m a self-obsessed whorebag with no life.

However, I’m buggered if I’m publicly admitting it to everyone that ever met me by coating myself in all those retarded applications. So stop sending them. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Because it’s ALL OF YOU, you c*nts.

Lots of war
Lots of death
We came, we saw, we killed, we left

Go here. Just go here.

Fox News’ latest scoop

Fox News are absolute f*cking b*stards. America is… just… I’m so damn ANGRY right now

-=edit=-

Um… not quite sure how this works yet… but… funny things on this story here.

I’ve made Buddhist friends recently. I’ve been finding what they have to say really interesting.

I think the difference for me between Buddhism and many other religions (which makes me respect it that much more) is that it’s often more of a philosophy – so you have to think about it before you can believe it. It encourages individual thought as opposed to that good old herd mentality we all know and dread.

What I dislike about religion in general is the complete ignorance of it all, the pretentious, self-righteous and completely unswerving devotion to things you know nothing about. Upholding a book that you’ve never completely read, and saying it stands for all of your being, when it includes misogynist, racist and generally bigoted commands. And I’m not just talking about the bible, I mean all of them. They all have bits that people choose to conveniently ignore, in favour of the bits that look pretty and lovely. Religion is essentially dirty – tainted, like everything human, by the most unpure and generally unsavoury aspects of human nature.

And, worse than that, we’re indoctrinated into this God Club soon after childbirth, when we have no choice – no knowledge of the outer world, nothing to say about any of it. Children are then told what are effectively nonsensical fairytales about non-existant entities and big fingers pointing down from the clouds and beautiful lands of milk and honey. Larkin’s right: They fuck you up, you Mum and Dad – they may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had, and add some extra, just for you.

If you want to try and do something against this abbhorence, sign our Jamie’s petition (Dawkins has signed it, even) here:

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/freethinking/

And, I’d like to add that Jamie’s started something really amazing there. It’s getting quite huge. Go Jamie.
However, the pessimist in me knows that it’s never going to end. Religious fervour is actually a malfunction of the brain (or, at least, the closest scientists will publicly admit to is that it’s down to the abnormal behaviour of a few mis-placed neurons) and, coming from a person who actually has a proper-good malfuction of the same part of the noggin that produces religious visions, I think these people (all million billion of them) are quite frankly wobbly in the head. Yes, like me – except they have such a subtle complaint that it doesn’t present itself in full-blown attacks, it just lurks there in the background.

It’s a human need, a deep requirement, say the psychologists. It’s a bloody malfunction, says I. A genetic abnormality. An in-built equivalent to falling out of the pram whilst young. In some cases, it’s just brainwashing – social conditioning, or a desire to run with the crowd, make friends, that sort of thing. However, the fervent ones – I suspect they’re just mentally unsound. And what scientist’s going to admit they can prove that?