Ah, Revels. Beggars’ Milk Tray. Sweets for the indecisive. The chocolate treat that attempts to cater for all, thereby catering for nobody. Feel like Maltesers, but don’t want to fully commit? Need chocolatey, raisiny goodness, but feel the need to throw in a sugary, powdery version of some other fruit? Don’t really care whether or not you know what you’re about to eat? Never fear, Revels are here.

Revels seem to base their whole strategy on the fact that there are people who wander into sweet shops with no clear idea of their aims and objectives. They know they want something sweet. It should preferably involve chocolate. They don’t want anything too chewy, nor do they feel like anything too soft. They’re buggered if they’re going to drop the cash for a box of chocolates, but they don’t want to be eating the same thing for the duration of their sweet experience. Then, suddenly, they see the Revels: yes, why not?

This is both the joy of Revels and the stone around their neck. I would estimate that very few people actually go to buy chocolate with the sole intention of buy Revels, because the fact is that there is always at least one Revel that you really, really hate. If you’re really unlucky, it’s one of the ones you can’t discover via simple scientific experiment. Personally, I despise the coffee ones. This would be extremely problematic if I liked the orange ones a great deal, but I never feel too bad doing a firm “squish test” if it bumps off the orange ones as well.

This is, of course, a good time to review your opinions of Revels, since there’s a vote out to get rid of your least favourite flavour for a while, to be replaced by a mysterious new flavour. I highly recommend visiting the Revels Eviction website and placing your vote – and I’m very pleased to say that coffee is losing by a fair margin. However, it’s closely followed by poor old raisin, so quick – place your vote now!

In the interests of fairness, I would like to link to this excellent review with a chocolate-by-chocolate breakdown. Unfortunately, it favours the coffee, but I suppose someone has to like them.

What a load of dreadful old tat. I don’t know a lot about very small children, so I’m not quite sure what particular brand of toddler eats this crap up. However, what I do know something about is the associated brand of adults: the type that likes to visit Disney stores and purchase Mickey Mouse mugs in a non-ironic way. The ones who weer-wy wuv Winnie the Pooh and Tigger. The ones who use lots of bloody smilies. :C

These awful, most disgusting of human beings have been psyching themselves up for this for months – believing the hype, avidly staring at the great many trailers, moaning in a semi-orgasmic way at the merchandise. I feel dirty – foully dirty – for joining their ranks this evening. That’s £8.10 I shall never, ever see again. Things I could have spent that £8.10 on:
- Drugs
- Alcohol
- Chocolate
- Half a Mickey Mouse mug

Don’t get me wrong, I love a ditzy rom-com as much as the next girl, but when it involves cutesy robots inadvertently saving the world, count me out. I know there are lots of amazing special effects, and there’s this bit where the semi-demented ET-a-like floats through the universe touching the pretty stars, but seriously, what a load of cock.

Stupidly, I succumbed to a short buying frenzy recently and bought Crystal Castles’ debut album on the strength of just one song. Well, also on the basis of the huge 8bitpeoples controversy. It’s generally pretty hard to get hold of chip music in your local record shop, so I thought that (since they were allegedly stealing it from other people) the Crystal Castles album would be bursting with precious, precious 8bit.

It sort of does. I mean, there’s definitely 8bit in there. The 8bit isn’t the problem: it’s the other shit. Random, screamy, tuneless vocals and over-use of trippy synthesisers. It’s as though a stoner got hold of some pretty good chip tunes, took them to a lunatic asylum and played the keyboard while recording the insane ramblings of the mentally ill.

Don’t get me wrong, there are stand-out tracks. Well, there are stand-out bits of really bizarre tracks which, if on their own, would be excellent. Unfortunately, these tend to be the intros – just as you start getting ready to dance around your flat in your underwear, the weirdness kicks in. Quickly followed by the disappointment. And the pressing desire to visit the 8bit Collective and hunt out some proper-decent 8bit from their immense mound of dross.

The least worst tracks: Untrust Us and 1991.

Oh yes, and if you’re wondering what 8bit is, you’re probably better off looking for ‘chiptunes’ in Wikipedia.

Bloody cyclists. They’re like pedestrians, but with a death wish. Or motorists with a death wish. Basically, they have a death wish. They’re so territorial, as well – it’s very nearly impossible to walk through central London without being screamed at by an incredibly angry shiny-skinned mentalist going about a billion miles an hour on the pavement. Cyclists do not belong on the pavement. They belong in a padded room.

So anyway, they wear utterly ridiculous clothing, and it’s getting more and more ridiculous. Nobody has worn Lycra since the 80s – except cyclists. For me, there’s always been this big unanswered question about Lycra. I nearly went into a cycling shop to ask once, but it felt a bit like going into a porno den. I mean, do Lycra fetishists take to cycling as a way to make their public semi-nudity more acceptable, or does cycling turn people into perverts? And why do they get so angry, like society is forcing them to feign stinginess? Oh yes, they’re saving all that money they’d otherwise be spending on public transport, true: and spending it on replacing their bike every two months after it’s stolen by chavs instead. Delusional, completely delusional.

Back to the silly outfit. It’s almost as though they think the Lycra will make them go faster (like it bloody matters when your top speed barely matches that of a small child on a push-along), but frankly if I drove a car I’d be more likely to aim at a pillock in skin-tight shorts than say, Boris Johnson. But then Boris Johnson is seriously hot.

Planning your hols? Going somewhere nice? Somewhere hot and sunny?

STOP RIGHT THERE. You are BORING. Why go to the usual sun-drenched beach getaway when you could go somewhere truly interesting? Somewhere like this…?
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Kyrgyzstan – Teasmade Revenge’s approved holiday destination of 2008

Why not pop to an impoverished ex-Soviet state landlocked by China? Don’t worry though, the only terrifying thing about it is its national anthem. Honest.

Geography and Climate
Temperatures vary from a sub-tropical 40 degrees celsius in summer to sub-zero for most of the winter – so there’s something for everyone. It’s perfect for budding mountaineers, being almost entirely covered in mountains – and there are loads of fun mud slides and snow avalanches. Most of the water is polluted, making swimming an unusually daring activity. However, the main river dries up before it gets out of the country (Uzbekistan borrows it) so don’t bother taking your swimsuit.

Transport links
There aren’t really any roads, but there isn’t any fuel either, so you won’t miss them. Most people use horses. Luckily, there are trains – two of them, in fact. One to Kazakhstan and one to Uzbekistan. They have an airport, mainly served by government-owned Kyrgyzstan Airlines – proud to be on the list of air carriers banned in the European Union.

Traditions and culture
Sporting activities in Kyrgyzstan include (according to Wikipedia):

• Jumby Atmai – a large bar of precious metal (the “jumby”) is tied to a pole by a thread and contestants attempt to break the thread by shooting at it, while at a gallop.
• Kyz Kuumai – a man chases a girl in order to win a kiss from her, while she gallops away; if he is not successful she may beat him with her “kamchi” (horsewhip).
• Oodarysh – two contestants wrestle on horseback, each attempting to be the first to throw the other from his horse.

Kyrgyzstanis are known for their felt, three-stringed lutes and falconry. Bride-kidnapping is also really popular with one in three women getting involved – men and their male relatives will pick out a suitable female and hold her hostage for days or even weeks, until she either consents to marry him or commits suicide. She will often be impregnated so that she can’t return to her home without being killed by her ashamed parents – fun for all the family!

Politics and political traditions
Leaders are generally corrupt, with politicians often being murdered – so don’t worry about the odd bit of drug smuggling (Kyrgyzstan specialises in opium), because you’ll be able to pay off officials easily. It’s a win win situation! What’s more, what crime there is is generally very well organised.

Kyrgyzstanis love to get involved with politics – they often like to get together and shout political slogans. The police like to get quite involved in these as well. Every now and then, people like to go on huge treasure hunts throughout the capital: generous officials let people make off with all sorts of valuable historical artefacts and then like to hunt them down and kill them.

In terms of strategy, polygamy’s the policy of the future.
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I don’t know about you, but I’ve already packed my bags.

They have a lot of different foodstuffs inside Waitrose. More variety than most supermarkets, anyway. Looking for haggis out of season? Need gooseberry fool? Want to be able to select from every item in that range by the Prince of Wales? Look no further than your local Waitrose.

Well, not quite, actually. I was in there the other day, buying that chocolate made by that man in the Channel 4 documentary, and decided to see if I could pick up anything else from my shopping list. But did they have any swan burgers? No. Nor did they have pickled peacock eggs or angelfish fingers. I searched in vain for breaded polar bear, and was frankly staggered by the lack of fresh coelacanth on offer.

Thank god for Fortnum and Mason, that’s all I can say.