Now then now then. Thinking about painting part of your house/flat/bungalow/hovel? Yes? Thinking of magnolia? WRONG.

People are far, far too boring in their choice of colours. It’s probably because paint colours are called such dreadful names. Barley. Moss green. Peach dream. Hardly inspiring.

So, some new colours inspired by our national champions: the beautiful people. See if you can guess which colours belong to which bits before you click (sorry, no rollovers. WordPress is too shit – but hey, Perez uses it!).

Paris Pink                                                     Doherty Dire

Britney Brown                                              Boris Blue

I’m still being crap at posting – sorry – but until I get back into it, here’s a link to one of my favourite places on the net: The Best of Craiglist.

In case you don’t know, Craiglist is a free listings site that gets over ten billion page views per month. Since it’s so popular, it does tend to attract quite a few crazies – and the best and weirdest listings tend to end up here [clicky]:

So here’s a picture straight out of my camera that I didn’t even have to bother to photoshop.

Swigging down champers this afternoon, I suddenly realised how very lucky I am. You know, hosed and shod, with plenty of food and booze and a cushty job. What about those poor unfortunates forced to live on the streets? That could happen to anyone. What makes me different from them?

Well, it’s probably because tramps don’t seem to be very inventive, to be honest. Perhaps that’s how they ended up being tramps. They’re always sticking to the same formula: lying in a doorway, swigging down Special Brew. However, that’s got to change. We need to lighten up the lives of tramps. But how to do it? Surely not through misguidedly thrown pennies, or half-eaten sandwiches? No. Through judicious use of Ikea cocktail glasses, that’s how.

Yes, I know, I know, you’re thinking that tramps can’t afford to live a spats-and-cocktails lifestyle. That’s where you’re wrong, my friend. Here, for your delectation, are some brand new cocktail recipes: old classics re-modelled for the enjoyment of tramps everywhere.

Mouldy Margarita

• Wet edge of cocktail glass in a puddle
• Up-end glass into pile of road salt, to coat the edge
• Put in a slosh of Tescos own brand tequila, wait for three seconds
• Add handful of road salt and another handful of dirt
• Enjoy!

Bloody Hairy

• Buy tinned tomatoes, open tin
• Add Tescos own brand vodka
• Optional: a splash of petrol adds a final kick
• Pour into cocktail glass, enjoy!

Yellow Snowball

• Milk cat / dog
• Mix with snow
• Enjoy / throw up

Cool. I’m going to go and be sick now.

Last month, we ran a low-down of what your favourite celebs were up to in the exciting, fun-packed month of April. Well, the little bastards are still alive and scampering around like lice on a prostitute’s… um… favourite horse-hair cushions. So, this month, we saw…:

Jodie Marsh trying on boiler suits in B&Q in
Rotherham. Hot new young porn star Stephen Fry
sweeping leaves in Rhyll. Death metal singer Feist
smoking twigs with teenagers behind the bike sheds
at St. Cuthbert’s School for Boys, Cumberland. Kelly
Osbourne persecuting the impoverished in London’s
West Kensington. A tramp kicking Russell Brand to
death in a children’s ball pool in Birmingham city centre.
Mike Tyson complaining about the soup on a budget
trip to Magaluf with BMI Baby. 50 Cent picking now-
obsolete centimes out of a gutter in a small town in
southern France. Actor Rupert Everett throwing a
bottle of urine at the Sugababes at a concert in the
back of a pub in Stoke. Politician and public speaker Mick
Jagger rodgering his grandmother from behind in some
woods in Devon. Cartoon character Boris Johnson
becoming Mayor of London.

As always, if you’ve seen any celebrities down, out or even about, email me at minnie.bygott@teasmaderevenge.com. Kisses. x

Ever been really pissed off? Of course you have. However, enny fule kno that you can’t let it get to you. Swallow the anger, and wash it down with a nice cup of bile. Nobody likes to have their shopping trip / holiday / pagan sacrifice ruined by someone going nuts because a pigeon just shat on their brand new stilts.

Luckily, there are strategies. You know, breathing exercises, squidgy balls, voodoo. The thing is, these are often not enough… personally, I’ve been looking for something to assuage my deep rage recently, and here are a few strategies I’ve found useful.

Mantraps
Why bother going on the rampage in your local shopping centre / high school / clown academy with a shotgun, when you can simply spend days digging holes, carefully placing mantraps in them and then laying twigs and leaves over the top? Even better, keep a camcorder trained on the scene and win yourself £250 on You’ve Been Framed!

Bubble wrap
A timeless classic, bubble wrap is everyone’s favourite. Whether you tersely pop it under your desk or wrap your subject up in it and throw them out of the nearest window into the holly bush twelve floors below, you can’t go wrong.

Ethel Merman
It could all be down to sexual tension. I read a book recently in which the heroine dug a hole in her bedroom wall through a poster of Ethel Merman and shagged it. Obviously this tactic isn’t for everyone, but you could always try it getting it on with someone else. Ginger Rogers, perhaps.

Chocolate
Indulge yourself with a nice chunky bar of the brown stuff – freeze it and gouge their eyes out with it. Alternatively, create your own man-made brown-stuff and shove it through their letterbox. Granted, it’s getting a bit a clichéd now – but classics are classic for a reason.

Take time out
Honestly, how are you supposed to plan someone’s grisly demise if you don’t give yourself adequate time to prepare? Spend the time having a luxurious bath, reading a book or shaving your head, buying a white cat and putting lasers onto your sharks’ heads.

The silent win
Simply wait. Good things come to those who wait. That person probably isn’t just annoying you. They’re annoying everyone. Plus, you get to feel like every minute they spend alive is one you have graciously permitted them to enjoy, because of the excellent sort of person you are.